It was the morning after my then husband and I had sex, trying to conceive. Everything was right. My eggs white had shown up earlier in the day. We had sex. I propped my legs up under a pillow for a while afterwards and fell asleep. All was well. I woke up the next morning a little more lively. Trying to concieve was like another full time job. Which days is my husband on shift to do 'the do.' Then is the full moon coming? How long had it been since my last period? Would he even be interested to do it? After all these months of heartache and tears, even I was almost ready to stop trying. But I wanted this self replica.
I got up to use the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and said to myself, I wonder if I'm pregnant. And I heard this voice as loud as if someone was in the room with me. It said, NO. 😲 What?! I was shocked and disappointed at the same time. I even remember putting my head down. And at that moment, another month of planning and hopes and dreams just evaporated away just like the water I wiped off my hands after I washed them.
The emotional roller coaster of conceiving.
Looking back, I realise that voice was not God. God is not loud or rude or disappointing. It was the devil. And his big loud mouth stole something from me. Something that had happened. Something that had been conceived. A fulfilled promise. But I let him get away with destroying my hopes. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I was so disappointed. How could I go through another month of disappointment? How many months was I going to cry? How long until I had a baby? How much longer would it be that my friends would be pregnant and I would secretly be jealous of them? Why not me?
As I look back, I think about the times I missed it. I didn't even question that voice. I didn't tell it to shut up! Get away from me! Liar! Nope, I just stood there shocked and accepted the lie. Now I realise the truth. It's like when God asked Adam, who told you you were naked? Who had I listened to? Why had I just accepted that stupid two letter word to destroy my promise. I can't say. But I know better now. I see the importance of my words. I should have allowed my words to be higher than those of the thief. I didn't realise I could speak what I want into my life. I learned the conflict of someone else's word over my life versus my words over my life. I realised my words have more weight. And now I will make the words of anyone or anything else bow down. Now, whenever I hear words contrary to what I want, I say under my breath, "Shut up devil and go to hell."